Journey through Milky Way

How far do you want to turn the clock back?

2010-12-19T07:01:00.001-08:00

I had a chat with my mom. She sounded same as last time I talked to her a few months ago. She was talking about aches and pains she was feeling everyday and how there was not much motivation in her life. As usual, I was not quite sure if it was because the diabetic conditions had gotten so bad that she couldn't do what she was supposed to do (like exercising...), or if it was because of lack of motivations that was making the conditions to worsen. There was a hint in what she was saying about the blood test that came out negative. The doctor said the particular symptom that she was complaining about could not be verified.

I asked, if we could turn the life's clock back, how far would she want to go back and start over again. I wanted to go back to the beginning of raising babies 10 years ago. I would have given them veggies to nibble on and restricted on sugary snack. They would have been veggie lovers by this time. As for my mom, she wanted to go back to her early 40s when the doctor told her she was a border-line diabetic. She would have followed his advice and started exercising. She would have lost some weight and made her lifestyle healthier. If it didn't stop the diabetes all together, it would have definitely delayed its progress and she wouldn't be injecting insulin everyday in her early 60s.

I live far away from her. I can't directly do much even though I wish to help her. So the next best thing I can do is to learn from her mistakes and make my life better. I know that would make her happy for me. I would be happy if my children could learn from my mistakes so as not to repeat the same paths. Today is my 41st birthday, so I'm giving myself a gift of challenge and learning of healthy habits. And I will stop complaining and keep working on my veggie project with kids.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." so urce

End of 2010, begining of my new year

2010-12-19T06:28:00.001-08:00

2010 is ending soon, and looking back, what a year it was. In the beginning, I was only focused on working to support family. It was a new and unexpected role given to me, though I must say I did wish to try being a full-time farm worker a while before (... must be careful what you wish for...) Being away from home all the time was tough and I missed spending time with kids at home. I was also scared about how things were going to turn out. Then I invited a pair of travellers who would become the great blessing for this year. Going through what I was going through, I was in no shape to take care of the guests, but they took it with cheer, understanding and love, and filled my life with a sense that it was OK. Loosing the house was sad, but it marked a new beginning. And things turned out alright.

I was full of guilt, doubts and disappointments. Beyond these negativity, as I was humbled to the ground zero, I found loving support of some family members who stuck with me through the problem and have been sharing the load to this day. What a blessing! As I've come to term with the new reality, I realized someone else had overcome the problem with me. I expressed frustration to this person from time to time. It was more coming from my denial of taking responsiblity for my life than anything he had done. Having overcome that, I found trust in him. For all these years, I was loved and cared about deeply. And children, oh how loving children were. (Children are born to love and to be loved!) They had no choice but to stick with me through the turbulance. They deserved better, but they never stopped loving us and motivating us. Staying away from home gave me a chance to examine my relationship to them. I had to let go of the attachment, and to give them some room to be free (... a little too much these days ...?).

Many interesting experiences, happenings and people filled my year 2010. If I could change things, will I change the things that happened this year? For what I have learned, and for how I feel about life today, I wouldn't change a thing. In the beginning of this year I couldn't think of how I would get through it. Remembering that feeling, I must say I didn't do it alone. Family was there to motivate me, the warm and kind thoughts of relatives near and in distance supported me, new encounters and experiences molded me, new and old friends watched over me, and the beings of love and light had all along guided me through the processes of creative shifts. As I begin my new cycle, I'm grateful for the sense of peace within. I hope that I will be less fearful of what might happen, as the sense of peace today and what I've learned this year will give me confidence that life will take care of itself. Gees, I'm in my 42nd year now! Gotta keep moving!

Effect of raising children

2010-12-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Connelly was on the paper, being quoted as saying being a parent had given her a chance to learn to take responsibility for herself and life. I thought what a humble statement. Not to say that we can only learn to be responsible by raising children, or that without the experience we can't be responsible. On one hand it would be nice if all grown-ups have learned to take responsibility for themselves before thinking about having children. But that's not how it goes most of the time. On the other hand, most reasonable adults continue their maturing and growing by becoming and being parents. Yes I admit, when I became a mom for the first time, I had very little clue what it meant to be a responsible parent. I've been a mom for 10 years now. And yes thanks to having children around, I did learn a LOT. Including what it means to be responsible for my life. All I can say is THANX~!

On reading Schmidt's verdict

2010-01-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

The past week has been quite hectic. Currently I'm partly covering a staff being away for a few weeks. The owner is preoccupied with the court hearing happening in 2 days. She was busy planning for the rally, and was able to book Mr. Schmidt to fly to BC. As for me I am enjoying my day-off today. After not getting close to my computer for many days, I had time to read Schmidt's court document. 41-page document on how the judge reached to his decision to dismiss all 19 charges against Mr. Schmidt. To have many charges like that is kind of misleading from ordinary people's point of view. Each charge deals with different dates on which the undercover inspector attempted to purchase products from Michael. I can't believe that there's undercover agents working on situations like this. And she claimed she bought $6.40 worth of cheese as a member of public, while Mr. Schmidt claimed he did not charge any money. For people who aren't familiar with cow-share, if he did charge money to someone who wasn't a member, he would have been deemed selling to the public, the act of which is punishable by law. The judge said the farmer's claim was more believable. (yahoo!) By the way, the newspaper article keeps coming up, saying the milk was full of fecal bacteria. I don't discount the importance of cleanliness and safety. But I'm also tired of hearing our milk as being considered as poop milk. One very good friend said she worked with two mentally challenged children who literally ate several handful of their feces, and they never got ill. (Caution: DO NOT try this at home!) Maybe feces is not as dirty as we bacteria-phobic people think. Maybe our brain has been pasteurized without us knowing it.

Creative shift: Dec '09

2010-01-19T06:29:00.000-08:00

Shortly after my partner's injury, he quit the job. I supported his decision as his stress level wasn't going to decrease by staying with the company. The usual "me" would then go frantic to find solutions. Find jobs, any jobs that he or I could take on immediately. I might bad-mouth about the former employer in hopes to vent frustration toward life. I might look back and feel depressed about going through the bad cycle of misfortune and misery. Thankfully, none of these happened. Almost happened. But I conciously chose not to go near there.

I didn't stop working hard in hopes that things would work out. This time, I had faith. The right perspective.

Then more things had unfolded in life, I gratefully accepted the position that I am currently in, and with excitement I accepted the rare opportunity to swap the roles my partner and I played in our family life. Some of the things happened were like "wishes come true." Other things seemed like "they were meant to be." In the midst of changes and adjustment we had to make, I couldn't erase this sense of hopefulness, the sense that life takes care of itself, that I love my life. It seemed a little crazy to feel this way, from the perspective of "ego" as defined in Sylvia's book. But the feeling was true to me, and that's why I had this great happiness despite the hardship. (I barely felt it was hardship, but from an objective logical point of view, it probably was.)

Creative tention: Dec '09

2010-01-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

This morning I felt physically drained. The milking cans that I needed to lift up above shoulder (to empty the content into the filler) felt heavier than ever. I thought about my brother-in-law's usual closing remark, "keep smiling". I felt like I couldn't remember where I left my "smile" last time I used it.

Then I thought about last December, after a series of events and a certain realization, I became very happy and I was smiling a lot. Prior to December, through the summer and fall, I was struggling to find peace with current situation. It seemed like, no matter how hard I tried to make things work, it turned out things weren't working out. My very good friend gave me a book called Magic around that time. It helped me immensely to change perspective on on-going struggles. What's called "creative tension" seemed to have happened when my partner, after trying so hard at the new job, fell and injured his knee. Faced with the realization that he might loose the job, I became scared and curious, and laughed. On one hand, things couldn't have been worse than this. On the other hand, I was somewhat certain that something more was on its way.